Cleaning out my office

21792541Earlier this week I wrote about some ways my cancer diagnosis has impacted the little boys. Now I will focus on one of the many ways my wife has been impacted. I had to clean my office out at our business. Doing this has been more of an emotional blow to both of us than I would have imagined.

My wife and I own a tax preparation and business services company. When we moved back to South Dakota from the Minneapolis area about seven years ago I left the IT field in order to help her grow that business. It has been tough at times, but I am quite proud of the business we have grown. Buying out her mothers tax preparation business helped, but really it was the payroll side of things which my wife started that grew the most. She has put a lot of time and energy into growing the business. It has grown to a point we have had to add a few full-time employees over the last couple of years. At each step of the way I have been there to encourage my wife and support her.

About a year ago this started to change. Our youngest son started having muscle problems and on some days is unable to walk. This has meant him staying home from school a day or two each week. To accommodate this I moved my office to our house during tax season. The main function I perform at the tax office is to review returns. Since all documents are scanned into the computer it is actually quite easy for me to do my work from home. Even though I worked from home I still had a physical office at our office building. I would ensure every week I spent a day or two at the office. This was mostly so I could be close to my wife and support her.

When summer came about my breathing problems became worse. Between my breathing problems and taking the little boys to baseball practice/games I can probably count on one hand how many times I actually made it into the office this summer. Now that I am on chemo I don’t go to the office at all, at least not during business hours. There are too many people who come in the office with the sniffles or who knows what germs. I just can’t risk getting sick. Plus I will be on chemo until February or so, well into tax season. I definitely can’t be in such a confined place with people coming and going.

At the same time the business continues to grow. We just added another full-time employee and we are running out of space for people at the office. That led to the decision to clean out my office. This was NOT a decision made by my wife. In fact she tried to talk me out of it. I didn’t realize it but my having an office there has been a form of emotional support for her. Even if I wasn’t there physically she felt as if I was there in spirit through my office. When I told her I was cleaning my office out she felt as if I was abandoning her. The logical side of my wife agreed it was something that needed to be done. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

On Sunday as I placed the last box in my pickup I made a comment to my wife that she had gotten rid of me now. I meant it as a lighthearted joke. Her face instantly dropped. My cancer diagnosis has been tough on her and this was just one more thing cancer was taking away. Logically she understood why I had to clean my office out. But my moving out of the office is just one more thing that my cancer diagnosis has taken away from us.

I’ll end this post here. Something so simple as cleaning out an office may not seem like an emotional topic. But it really is. A cancer diagnosis takes so many things away from patients and their families. This move away from the office was a physical reminder of that reality.

PS. Hopefully today’s post made sense. I have a lot of “brain fog”, aka chemo brain, going on today.

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