Earlier this week I shared my current state of sleeplessness. This sleeplessness has plagued me since going through chemotherapy and now while I am going through maintenance infusions (only a year and half of infusions left). In this post I will share a few ways this lack of sleep has been impacting my personal life.
Avoiding going out in public
Recently I have tended to avoid going out in public. It just takes too much energy to look alert; and pretending to feel good takes a lot of energy! Plus I have the constant cough (part of the reason I can’t sleep) which tends to make other people nervous. A few weeks ago while having breakfast with my family at Perkins, I went into a coughing fit and I could overhear someone nearby saying “someone that sick shouldn’t be at a restaurant.” I know I also looked quite tired at the time because I didn’t drink my normal energy drink that I like to use prior to going out in public. Part of me agreed with the person making the comment that I shouldn’t be out in public.
There are other factors that also make me nervous to go out in public. One factor is the two front teeth I am missing (chemo was tremendously hard on my teeth). I won’t have these teeth fixed for a couple more months. Trying to talk with teeth missing is not an experience I enjoy. That means that when I do go out in public I try to avoid talking.
The boys are afraid to speak with me at times
Any time I appear to be tired (which seems like always) my boys avoid speaking with me. Lately I have become very short tempered when asked questions. I know it is because of my lack of sleep and I am just too mentally tired to try thinking of answers. But I also know the boys are trying their best to keep me from snapping at them, and so they try to avoid speaking to me when I am tired. Of course the steroids I take with each round of maintenance probably makes my temperment even worse.
I have tried to battle my short temper with the boys. Each morning I drink a natural energy drink to bring myself up to full alertness. Throughout the day I will try other drinks or supplements to keep myself alert. By keeping myself alert throughout the day I have noticed I tend to get less moody. The only problem is once these supplements wear off I crash hard and feel like I am in a daze. Unfortunately I don’t crash hard enough to actually sleep. At most I will go in and out of short spurts of dozing.
Unable to sleep in my own bed
When laying down my coughing appears to get worse. Due to that I spend most nights on my recliner. I don’t necessarily sleep much better on the recliner. But in my head I have felt this is better because at least I’m not keeping my wife awake. Of course that puts an extra strain on the relationship with my wife.
My wife and I love each other very much. We both have talked about this current situation with me sleeping in the recliner and both agree it is a good short-term solution. But we have been married enough years that we are used to sleeping in the same bed and feel almost lost without having each other nearby. She won’t say anything, but I know when I first started sleeping on the recliner that she feared I was sleeping elsewhere because of something she did. That of course isn’t true. But nonetheless I know she felt that way.
Plus my sleeping in another bed increases the feeling she has that I am going away soon. There have been some scares with my cancer diagnosis and treatment. She wants to spend as much time with me now, just in case something happens and I am no longer around. My sleeping in another room seems to make her feel that I am almost gone. That is another reason I am giving on up sleeping in the recliner.
Hopefully my personal life will return to normal soon
I am hoping my sleep patterns will go somewhat back to normal soon. My current sleeplessness is just having too big of an impact on my personal life. In particular I am afraid that the relationships I have with my wife and kids could become strained if something doesn’t change. Ironically as I write this post I just received a call from a sleep specialist I had been referred to. Hopefully he will be able to figure something out for me.
Song of the day
I’m not much of a drinker these days. But this great song from George Thorogood sums up my feelings about going out in public.
The bonus song doesn’t have a lot to do with today’s post. There are times I feel like a zombie, which brings this classic 80’s track to mind. I always thought the Hooters were an underrated group. This particular line from the song does come to mind though:
Sitting in the dark, living all by themselves You don’t have to hide anymore